five deadly everythings...

RIP Cecilia Zhang

This one hits close to home. Maybe it's because she's Asian. Maybe it's because it literally, geographically happened close to home. Maybe it's cuz I've mentioned her in two poems. Maybe it's because I honestly, really believed that she was okay somewhere. Alive. Maybe it's because her tiny face smiled at me everyday from above the Go Bus driver's seat--her REWARD poster hovering above me on my daily commute.

I notice all the other asians on my msn list are mourning her through their MSN names. I wonder if her family knows how strongly we were all praying for her, and are praying for them know. Even us who don't believe in God (as they themselves don't, I believe). Maybe prayer is too strictly defined and associated with a God.

My heart goes out to her family and friends.

Man...just a few days ago, long after her story had faded from front page news, I wrote metaphorically of a valley "where Cecelia Zhang is sleeping". I guess I wasn't speaking as metaphorically as I thought I was....

Cecelia, I'll never forget your face.

Posted by Scene -- at 1:47:00 a.m. | Permalink

Some songs are just so fucking sad that you want to hug them.

Posted by Scene -- at 1:15:00 p.m. | Permalink

all i need is the love of my crew

Dave & Buster's isn't quite what other heads made it out to be. Less an adult-themed Chuckee Cheese (where was the giant pool of balls, huh?), it seemed more like a sparse Playdium. With alcohol. This must be a vision of dystopia, where the blinking lights and swilling of alcohol makes one forget the sci-fi self-fulfilling prophecy of the role playing they indulge--I kept this in mind while enjoying the bloodthirst of the ominously titled, "Tokyo Wars".

The boxing game was by far the most fun, where the trigger of genuine sweatiness and fatigue felt less like a video game and more like violent tae bo. *makes a billy blanks face*. I couldn't get past the third round mofo.

Standing by this console is where Ben's new girlfriend christened me "a hungry chicken", an insult mired in such randomness that I knew then that they were meant to be. Ben got electrocuted. Smokin!!!!.

Keith and I talked of the Talib Kweli downloading debacle, Suzy won the horse race, and somewhere in the bar Priscilla got nicely shit-faced. Potato skins, UFC discussion, the purple lady and prize shopping.

I chose my prize with Chris in mind, and I'm not sure if she'll laugh or if she'll be pissed at me. Haha, either way, it will be funny.

Happy Birthday Priscilla.

I thought of the perfect gift: "A Road Trip With Jef". 12 tracks with Jef singing over them, ad-libing and conversing...just like a real road trip. Now you too, Priscilla, can enjoy road trips with Jef...even when Jef is not actually there.

φзαςє.

Posted by Scene -- at 1:46:00 p.m. | Permalink

bollocks to you

Well the page that Gerard made is up and running. However, my edits to the design don't seem to be coming through. The interface isn't as versatile as I thought it was. Though I'm new to this, so I probably don't have a clue. It's not coming up. Bollocks.

I haven't seen my parents for any lengthy amount of time over the past few days. We generally don't have much interaction time anyways, but this has been even weirder than usual. I've been avoiding the house during the hours that I am supposed to be at school, and this has opened up my eyes to just how little I would see them had I been going to class steadily and responsibly. Bollocks, I say.

I'm also in a phase where I'd like to avoid visiting the store at all costs. Nothing personal, but I believe that I am entering into my bi-annual Die-Starbucks-Die phase. It happens, where I feel awkward and out of place, or even flat out hating the damned place. See? I used the word "damned".

So Chris was picked up by a hot charming guy who was hapa and looked like Brandon Lee. He also studied film studies and to date, has made one documentary. Is she stupid or something? If I were her, I would have cheated on me by now. Brandon Lee. My only hetero-man-crush. You all have one. Don't lie.



The weather was pleasant today, so Chris and I spent the day wandering about downtown. Chinatown, lobster, Buddhist trinket shopping. It feels good to walk about without the weight of a bulky winter jacket, feel the wind breeze through sleeves, wearing a cap instead of a toque. Winter can feel so damned oppresive sometimes.

I am currently surfing through the site PopCultures. This, plus the new films studies book that Chris bought me on Anime movies, has reinforced my feelings towards dropping out of school for awhile. Because while I love cultural and film studies, this is not what I want to do with my life. I love reading these essays. Sometimes I love writing them. But I don't want to spend my life thinking like this. Diseccting, analysing, labelling, categorizing, theorizing. I've forgetten why I fell in love with film in the first place.

I've always like the French Nouvelle-vague directors for their critical approach to film. They all started as theorists and critics, and then became directors. I honestly believe it made them better directors. But even their critical work was, I believe, driven by a need to create. Their work within the cahiers was to facillitate their filmmaking. When Truffaut in his later life denounced his own work on the auteur theory as "a polemic that was necessary for the time", I believe he meant that it was all just so he could get credit/recognition for his work, and so that film and the creation of film would be viewed on par with the rest of the arts. Theory for art's sake.

I'm never one to say "screw the academy", or to give the finger to the intelligentsia, but nonetheless, I know now that that's not my place. Not the University. Not the academy. At least not right now.

Sandra Bollocks.

φзαςє.

Posted by Scene -- at 2:42:00 a.m. | Permalink

the spotless mind

Finally, the bagel and I get to watch a real love story. None of that Dirty Dancing poo. Fun poo, but poo it was.

Eternal Sunshine is even better the second time around, as you are able to concentrate more on the subtleties rather than the intricacies of the narrative and visual techniques. I never noticed how strong Kirsten's performance was. Or Mark Ruffalo. I want his jacket, that's a nice jacket.

Gerard is starting us a webpage (have I mentioned this?). It's a cool idea, just his images with my text over them. No literal relation between the two, just a nice combo of html art, illustration and poetry/pose. Should be interesting.

I tried to pluck the bagel's eyebrows today, but I failed. Which is a good thing, I guess, because I'd probably have one of those adolescent crises of manhood (though I'm 22, mind you). I shouldn't be able to groom that well.

My head's not well, but having Chris around is helping.

I think I'm gonna wander downtown tomorrow.

2th.

Posted by Scene -- at 2:07:00 a.m. | Permalink

sit in circles
and relate the days
witticisms
back and forth like tugs
of War
battles of something
conflict or other
i smell the casualities
hear the ghosts
connection aborted
and stillborn bent
in deformed awkward.
you and I.
and her.

Posted by Scene -- at 2:00:00 a.m. | Permalink

popping up and dropping out.

Well MacArthur seems to support the decision. And so does Julie. I'm not sure how much weight Julie's opinion carries, since she's only a customer and I know shit-all about her besides the fact that she likes to steal lollipops, but still, positive feedback is positive feedback.

Everybody so far seems to agree: if you work and work at your backup plan, you will most likely end up with your backup plan. I wanna go for it.

This is good. The more I talk about my decision with other people, the more comfortable and confident I get, and the less frightened I am to tell my parents. If I present my case well, I'm thinking they might even be supportive. I'm scared, but I feel really good about this.

Not as scary, though, as the crazy punjab-hating tea-ordering psycho lady today. Lord. This is exactly what I've been talking about. We get threatened and creeped out by more adults than teenagers, but we don't seem to be implementing any plans on kicking them out of the store.

But hey, I'm crazy apparently.

I like talking to Rob because he makes me feel sane. Rob and Maggy. And to a certain extent Krystle.

I'm not sure why, but I can't get "Crazy in Love" out of my head. I haven't heard that song in months...how does that happen?



Snuck into Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind with the Jaravatas the other day. This is an excellent film. Charlie Kauffman's best. It's cerebral like his others, but with more heart and emotional weight to it.

Going to see it again with Chris tonight.

Spending a lot of time with Chris, which has been a good thing. And no, I did not talk about marriage. I swear.

*pops collar*

φзαςє.

Posted by Scene -- at 3:30:00 p.m. | Permalink

the passion in my chest

Well, I finally saw the Mel Gibson flick. While I don't think it was anti-semitic, I think I'd feel very uncomfortable if I were Jewish. Hell, I'm not Jewish, and I still felt uncomfortable. Just during one line, though. But isn't that enough?

Here's my story: A couple of years ago I suffered from this weird chest pain...a sharp throb beneath my rib cage that I assumed was my heart. It would only last for a couple of seconds, flaring up when I would take deep breaths. I consulted my physician, they ran some tests, thought maybe I had a hole in my lungs, but in the end couldn't find anything wrong with me.

The pains eventually stopped.

Well today, during the first torture scene of The Passion, the pains flared up again for the first time in years. I thought this was odd, but didn't think too much of it seeing as I've had these pains before.

Eventually though, I began to panic. Usually they only last for a few seconds, I thought, clutching my chest and trying not to take deep breaths. This was about 15 minutes after they had begun. Of course, when you can't take deep breaths, you really really want to. You feel like you're suffocating.

I went to the washroom and stood around. The pains continued. I contemplated my options: I could leave the theatre, hop on a bus and go the hospital. I could go to Starbucks and wait for my girlfriend, who could then drive me to the hospital. Or I could go back into the theatre and ignore the pains.

I took the latter. I paid for the frickin movie. Slowly, I came to terms with the fact that I could die. There in the theatre. Watching The Passion of the Christ. It would make a nice newspaper story. The film's marketers would be very thankful.

I did my best to ignore the pains. Staring at Monica Bellucci helped.



Get this though: the pains went away when Jesus died. Not around the time Jesus died. When he died. He dies, his head falls, I take another deep breath...and wow. No pain.

Weird.

2th.

Posted by Scene -- at 10:54:00 p.m. | Permalink

inspired by ginsberg

and yay! though i walk through valleys,
where the volume of solitude rings off
rocks the size of shadows,
the journey is one that leads to sleep,
and just before the prayer on knees
let us sip the wine made from bitter.

the altar lately has been altered.

the states have risen and the stakes united,
the personal looks political
and rhetoric speaks only of fun-house mirrors.

But there is no distortion in the valley,

not in the valley where Boddhidharma died and cried
where the atheists prayed they were wrong
where starving artists stole my rice paper
where friends broke down beneath the inquisition
where names got named
where games got played in the name of real life
where my bike was stolen and sold for parts by post-modernity
where the dadaists spoke in tongues
where the feminists cut them off and sold them to peta
where ceceilia zhang is sleeping
where dragons laughed at evolution
where both words and mind states are sesquipedalian
where the protesters meditate
where the bboys burned my tent like a blunt
where a bare breast revealed butterflys en morph
where they practiced escrima in parking lots with words as knives
where the rastas kicked the habit
where they've run out of lattes
where the brain damage is sexy
where the surrealists made love and the realists videotaped
where cd's got burned and the bonfire played bebop
where the delinquents danced capoeira
where the factory workers raised their voices
where audrey hepburn fell in love with us
where advertising finally stopped
where appointments got lost and where clocks are the cops
where the shit missed the fan, that valley!

yay! though we walk both shepherd and flock
rods in hand and eyes towards mars,
the shadow of death feels our movement
and rewards our situation's gravity
with upward momentum.

this is the jump off.
beware only the echoes.

2th.

Posted by Scene -- at 12:46:00 p.m. | Permalink

partner of the day:

My girlfriend. She's hot. Yummy.

Posted by Scene -- at 4:12:00 p.m. | Permalink

politricks

The problem with Tony and I is that our political views are very much the same. We agree on a lot of issues. The problem arises when political thought becomes action--he flies with the right-wing, I sit lotus-positioned on the left. It's strange how that is possible.

So arguments become hard because we understand what the other person is saying. And that makes the arguments even more heated, because we're arguing about reaching the same goals by taking different paths.

It comes down to pre-emptive actions, or reactionary actions.

I think the former is wrong, he thinks the latter takes unnecessary risks.

Or something like that. Like G-Face would say, I'm "glossing over" the issue.

But either way, I'm sorry for what transpired. Tony, for all our differences and disagreements, is the only person at the store that I actually value. He's my boy, and it hurts to hear that he called me "a dick". Sticks and stones.*

Sometimes I have to get off my left-winger shit. If the tenants of Buddhism has taught me anything, it's that there is no absolute truth. In fact, that IS the absolute truth. Buddhism has tenents, but not rules or commandments. There are times to break every rule, when breaking it would cause less harm than keeping it.

So the same goes with left-wing ideology.

My stance against the pharmaceutical industry and the mass-medication of America's case of the blues, doesn't hold up to the facts of medical depression. While I agree that just because people are sad they shouldn't need happy-drugs (and for that matter, I disagree with equating an emotion like sadness with being bad or wrong), it doesn't erase the possibility of medical depression.

Therapy can't fix a chemical imbalance no more than it can keep my pmsing girlfriend from worrying about me working with Krystle.

My wonderul friend Suzanne, bless her heart, has tried valiantly to keep me off the meds, just as I once did for her, by inundating me with my Buddhist double-speak. I agree with everything she said.

But another story from one of my most respected Zen "Masters" sticks in my mind:

(On certain other Buddhists:) Guys like this always want to give you their teachings. No matter what you say to them, it's an opportunity for them to point out where you're wrong and how your life would be so much better if you could only learn to be just like them. "I've got this hangnail," you say. And they come right back at you with, "The body is but an immaterial object, remain in the now and do not be bothered by its sensations." Hey, just lend me some nail clippers and shut the fuck up, OK?

Well dang. Maybe I just need to shut up with my lefty rants and cut my friggin hang-nail already.

*Aside: But yea, how can I agree with a person who thinks Camile Velasco is nasty? Haha, well, I guess I can see what he means. I have a hard time vocalizing her appeal. The Spoonbender, however, sums it up as thus: In her contestant interview, Camile responded to a question about what makes an American Idol with this: "A kind spirit truly in touch with the vibrations of music." Couple that hippy shit with the rasta wristband and the bong hit rasp in her voice, and you've got the recipe for a radical fucking Christmas special. Not only is this 18-year-old blessed with a sultry look and hot bod, I strongly suspect she's the kind of girl that'll make out, then pass out. What I'm trying to say is that she's good to go, and what's better than that in an Idol?



In short...an okayplayer's dream date. The first album she bought was "Gangsta Lean", folks.

peace.

Posted by Scene -- at 3:50:00 p.m. | Permalink

Wow.

It's been a crazy two days, let's just say that much.

I would like to recap, but it's 4am, and I should probably force myself to sleep. The blog's first anniversary is coming up, so to celebrate, here is a brand new design.

I'm surrounded by sadness and wonderful people.

φзαςє,
2thpick.

Posted by Scene -- at 4:04:00 a.m. | Permalink

"Eternal Sunshine of the Blahblahblah" or, "How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Blog"

Exam time is either near or here, I'm not really sure which. I've been skipping a lot of school lately. It's becoming increasingly more difficult to continue conversations that start off with some variation of "So how are you doing?" I just lie, of course, tell them that I've never been better, and from that point on I'm either caught up in the charade of doing my best to prance and smile amidst the sadness like a minstrel, or I'm concentrating on the fact that I've just lied and spend the duration of the convo dealing with the guilt that goes along with that.

Which is curious, because I'm really not that sad. This seems a different depression than the one that exploded four years ago. I'm not crying or freaking out. Rather, it feels like I've been rendered incomplete, or useless. I'm tired. I'm not totally down, but I'm out. I don't wanna leave the house. I don't really wanna talk to anyone except Chris and a couple of my close friends.

Going to the doctor tomorrow...we'll see what they say.

Still though, this time off has given me the opportunity to hole up in a theatre everyday, which is something I've been missing.

The Viewing List (theatre):
Monster
The Blue Butterfly
Love, Sex, and Eating the Bones
Mystic River
The Corporation

(satellite):
Thirteen
Spellbound
Dragon The Bruce Lee Story
Once Upon a Time in Mexico
Onnibashi (sp?)

Watching The Corporation has reignited the left-wing flame within me. Reading too much Zen has dulled that, but the little challenge from Michael Moore at the end was just the thing I needed. You're right, Mike. They think we won't change anything. And it's up to us to prove them wrong. He did a good job of explaining the profit-motif behind corporations, and how that's the big loophole we have to jump through. They'll do anything to make money, even distribute films that slander themselves.

Sorry to those who miss this blog actually being funny or amusing.

Well....aight.

For old time's sake, laugh at this you mofos:


Got any cheeeeeeeeeeeese??

2th.

Posted by Scene -- at 1:21:00 p.m. | Permalink

"I'm The Plan" - Max

Ah, classic Dark Angel writing. Yes Max, you are the plan. And the future of evolution, apparently.

So my vanderful girlfriend purchased me this action figure in California. If you can't tell, it's Jessica Alba/Max from Dark Angel Season 1. Is it just me or does Max look more like Blossom than she does herself? LOL. Maybe when the Blossom action figures got turned down they took the model cast, threw on some pleather duds, and voila! Dark Angel Action Figures. I wish you could see the packaging, because it is by far the best part of the toy. This one will never be leaving the box. That means that death matches versus my Gambit action figure will never happen. But, it will still look spiffy atop my dresser drawer.



Did I ever blog about Kelli? Yes. Kelli got fired for stealing. I don't feel like telling old news, but thought I'd blog it just as reminder to myself when I'm forty. Let's hope she doesn't go all Monster and kickstart a killing spree. The resemblance between Aileen and Kelli is creppy. Creppy? Creepy.

For the past two weeks I've been living life in a daze.

Gerard is reading my blog right now, and I'm not sure how to convince him that I'm not the psycho that it looks like I am.

Okay. So. We have problems. How do I fix them?

What's the plan?

That's right.

"I'm the plan".

φзαςє,
2thpick.

Posted by Scene -- at 12:50:00 a.m. | Permalink

FUCK.

I'm not sure what to do about this. I want the meds, I don't want the meds. God. Let's see if I can remember that poem I wrote like two years ago. It was the first poem I had written in years. And probably my favorite still. Chris said this made her fall for me. Cheesy. Let's see if I remember it.

They ask me why I'm depressed

Unbalanced head chemistry?
or unfair social hegemony?
Is it the grey matter of my brain?
Or the political grey of my space?

They tried to feed me meds
but my needs could not be be met.
Paxil or Peace?
Prozac or pro-man?

Man, I'd take a life of pain over a life of sane.
If sane came from Pill #10.
If sane equals bliss,
but I ask....what did bliss equal again?

They ask me if I'm happy
but happy means complacence.
And my countenance of displacement
is good at making faces

but how could I be happy
in a world full of racists?
A world with no free space?
A nation of degradation


{two hours later}

Okay, blah. MSN gets in the way of blogging.

Anyways, this blog was supposed to be my debating about going on meds.

But msn convos with Kev, Jimmy, Gerard and Suzanne got in the way.

Here's my first "MSN" blog. enjoy.

Jef Li. says:
he looks like a stinger
Jef Li. says:
so yea dude
Jef Li. says:
i saw blaise
Julius Scissors says:
really
Jef Li. says:
yea
Jef Li. says:
Vuyec Frank passed away
Jef Li. says:
i was a pallbearer
Julius Scissors says:
OH NO
Julius Scissors says:
geez
Julius Scissors says:
all this happened
Julius Scissors says:
u were a pall bearer?
Julius Scissors says:
wow....i'm kinda hurt he didnt tell me
Jef Li. says:
yea...he needed pallbearers cuz apparently they're really expensive?
Julius Scissors says:
what?
Julius Scissors says:
u gotta pay for them?
Jef Li. says:
yea.
Julius Scissors says:
who else went
Jef Li. says:
it's a loophole
Jef Li. says:
they don't tell you what costs what unless you ask
Jef Li. says:
the pallbearers:
Jef Li. says:
me, blaise, mike, ben, diego, marcus
Julius Scissors says:
i c
Jef Li. says:
kim was in the audience
Jef Li. says:
jimmy was there for awhile, but left
Jef Li. says:
oh, and melissa of course
Julius Scissors says:
wow.
Julius Scissors says:
that really sucks...i know i should be focusing on vuyek
Julius Scissors says:
but just hearing a fliggin list of people
Julius Scissors says:
i guess he really doesnt give a fuk bout me
Julius Scissors says:
and thats cool.
Julius Scissors says:
its not actually
Jef Li. says:
i was worried you would kill me
Julius Scissors says:
like really. i dont think kim even ever met him
Julius Scissors says:
or marcus.
Julius Scissors says:
i dont know.
Jef Li. says:
marcus knows him
Jef Li. says:
it was weird
Jef Li. says:
blaise called me out of nowhere...uh...last week?
Jef Li. says:
so i was like, ok, something's up
Jef Li. says:
cuz i know he wouldn't do it otherwise
Jef Li. says:
and he's like "I'm in mississauga"
Jef Li. says:
and i'm like "great"
Jef Li. says:
and i was annoyed, cuz i'm like...gah.......
Jef Li. says:
i didn't reall wanna make an effort to get up and see him
Julius Scissors says:
hold up
Jef Li. says:
yup
Julius Scissors says:
ya.
Julius Scissors says:
weird man
Julius Scissors says:
i just had a conversation with laz!
Jef Li. says:
is he at marcs?
Julius Scissors says:
i figure
Julius Scissors says:
cuz he was on jimmy's name
Julius Scissors says:
i said hi to jimmy
Julius Scissors says:
but he was like 'its laz'
Julius Scissors says:
and it was cool
Jef Li. says:
yea...
Julius Scissors says:
we just updated each other
Jef Li. says:
they're coming over here?
Jef Li. says:
for a smoke
Julius Scissors says:
i dont know
Julius Scissors says:
are they?
Jef Li. says:
yea....
Julius Scissors says:
so i read ur blog
Jef Li. says:
it's about to get worse
Julius Scissors says:
i've missed so much
Jef Li. says:
i'm typing in it right now
Julius Scissors says:
i feel so outta touch with people it hurts
Jef Li. says:
i don't even know where to start
Jef Li. says:
so much has happened between blogs
Julius Scissors says:
i feel like everyone's had sumthing
Julius Scissors says:
and i lost so much
Julius Scissors says:
and people just go on, not losing anything
Julius Scissors says:
i dunno
Julius Scissors says:
fuk, i dont wanna think about it
Julius Scissors says:
this is just getting me depressed
Julius Scissors says:
jeff, when u told me about vuyek
Julius Scissors says:
and how blaise called all yalls
Julius Scissors says:
i dont know
Julius Scissors says:
i started crying
Julius Scissors says:
like what the fuk
Jef Li. says:
people are losing
Jef Li. says:

Julius Scissors says:
then why does it just feel like me
Julius Scissors says:
alone on this boat
Julius Scissors says:
i'm doing all this shit to get on with my life
Julius Scissors says:
but i'm still stuck
Julius Scissors says:
i feel like a life poser
Julius Scissors says:
this isnt my life
Julius Scissors says:
its like i'm sitting in for myself
Julius Scissors says:
if that makes any sense
Jef Li. says:
i tdoes
Jef Li. says:
you ain't the only one stuck suzy
Jef Li. says:
i been crashing lately
Jef Li. says:
i might go on meds
Jef Li. says:
i WANT meds
Julius Scissors says:
i dont believe u prito
Jef Li. says:
and i don't know how to deal with that desire
Julius Scissors says:
shut the fuk up, if i went thru all that shit med-less
Jef Li. says:
don't believe the blog
Julius Scissors says:
or semi med-less
Jef Li. says:
i know i know
Jef Li. says:
and i knew you would say that
Jef Li. says:
but god man...
Julius Scissors says:
cuz u know me
Jef Li. says:
it's been four years!
Julius Scissors says:
so u'll know i'm gonna say this
Julius Scissors says:
FUK YOU
Julius Scissors says:
if u go on meds
Jef Li. says:
i'm just starting to face the fact that i've been doing this for four years
Jef Li. says:
and at the start of EVERY YEAR
Jef Li. says:
i get all motivated
Jef Li. says:
adn skippy
Jef Li. says:
and wondeful
Jef Li. says:
and i tell myself that i've beat depression
Jef Li. says:
or that I'm going to at least
Jef Li. says:
and that I'm going to take vitamins
Jef Li. says:
and exercise
Jef Li. says:
and eat soem fucking fish
Jef Li. says:
and go out an party
Jef Li. says:
and blah blah blah
Jef Li. says:
and then I crash again
Jef Li. says:
and it's killing me...
Jef Li. says:
cuz...
Jef Li. says:
emotionally...i can deal
Jef Li. says:
i know how to do that
Jef Li. says:
whatever
Jef Li. says:
but it's just hitting me now that this affects more than just my mood
Jef Li. says:
DUDE
Jef Li. says:
i've never ever
Jef Li. says:
ever
Jef Li. says:
checked up on my student transcript before
Jef Li. says:
just cuz i was too scared
Jef Li. says:
and i did like two weeks ago
Jef Li. says:
and it's funny
Jef Li. says:
cuz at the start of every year
Jef Li. says:
i'm like "I'M GONNA DO GOOD THIS YEAR"
Jef Li. says:
and i believe it
Jef Li. says:
and i check my grades now and realize FUCK
Jef Li. says:
i'm a pretty good liar
Jef Li. says:
cuz i lie to myself everyyear
Jef Li. says:
even graduation is a lie
Jef Li. says:
i will NEVER graduate
Jef Li. says:
it's impossible
Jef Li. says:
i average 2-3 F's a YEAR
Jef Li. says:
i have no grade point average.
Jef Li. says:
it's liek....ZERO.
Julius Scissors says:
jeff, if its anything to u
Julius Scissors says:
can i tell u
Julius Scissors says:
i had to personally go to my teachers from past years
Julius Scissors says:
and BEG
Julius Scissors says:
literally
Julius Scissors says:
i went door to door
Jef Li. says:
i know suzy
Julius Scissors says:
for 2 days
Jef Li. says:
and that's the thing
Julius Scissors says:
to get the minimum
Jef Li. says:
i've done that every year too
Jef Li. says:
honestly
Jef Li. says:
EVER YEAR i've asked to extensions
Julius Scissors says:
i dont even know if i'm gonna get into university
Jef Li. says:
and i go to my teacher's
Jef Li. says:
and i cry
Julius Scissors says:
i mean you're IN THERE
Jef Li. says:
and i tell them how depressed i am
Julius Scissors says:
i cant even get my foot in the door
Jef Li. says:
and they give me open deadlines
Jef Li. says:
and all that
Jef Li. says:
EVERY YEAR
Jef Li. says:
and i still fail
Jef Li. says:
i still don't hand in the essays
Jef Li. says:
and it's hitting me now
Jef Li. says:
that i can't DO THIS without something else
Jef Li. says:
but i'm still levelheaded:
Julius Scissors says:
but YOU ARE doing this.
Julius Scissors says:
ur there
Jef Li. says:
no...that's the thing suzy
Jef Li. says:
i know what you're saying
Jef Li. says:
and i respect your situation
Julius Scissors says:
jeff, like i remember talking to laz
Jef Li. says:
and you're right, I'm IN university
Julius Scissors says:
and he was so jealous of u
Jef Li. says:
but honestly...i'm not leaving anytime
Jef Li. says:
either
Julius Scissors says:
that u can write
Jef Li. says:
I CAN'T GRADUATE.
Julius Scissors says:
that ur hilarious
Julius Scissors says:
and ur in skool
Julius Scissors says:
and u work
Jef Li. says:
IT's IMPOSSIBLE.
Julius Scissors says:
and man, he's not the only one
Jef Li. says:
but don't you get it suzy?
Jef Li. says:
i fake all that shit
Julius Scissors says:
i know
Julius Scissors says:
thats how i feel too
Jef Li. says:
i fake work, i fake school ,blah blah
Julius Scissors says:
i'm gonna do it tomorrow morning
Julius Scissors says:
also
Julius Scissors says:
but i mean
Jef Li. says:
i skipped school for two weeks, and went to the movies instead
Jef Li. says:
it's like this dude
Julius Scissors says:
jeff
Jef Li. says:
I respect what your'e saying
Julius Scissors says:
u did what u wanted
Jef Li. says:
and THANKS YOU, honestly man
Jef Li. says:
but you gotta realize
Jef Li. says:
that i've heard this shit for FOUR YEARS
Jef Li. says:
from myself
Julius Scissors says:
at least u did sumthing
Jef Li. says:
from my firends
Jef Li. says:
from my councellors
Julius Scissors says:
u prolly got more outta that movie then going to class that day
Jef Li. says:
from my girlfriends
Jef Li. says:
and the thing is
Jef Li. says:
I CAN'T MAKE A MOVIE
Jef Li. says:
I CAN;'T WRITE
Julius Scissors says:
ACK
Julius Scissors says:
STOP
Jef Li. says:
seriously
Julius Scissors says:
please
Jef Li. says:
I HAVE THE ABILITY
Julius Scissors says:
ur killing me jeff
Jef Li. says:
I'm not trying to be all "i suck"
Jef Li. says:
i think i have talent
Jef Li. says:
i think i'm smart
Jef Li. says:
blah blah
Jef Li. says:
but with the depression thing
Jef Li. says:
I can't get off my ass
Jef Li. says:
cuz i sleep all day
Jef Li. says:
i made ONE MOVIE in four years of film schoo;
Jef Li. says:
and EVERYBODY LOVED IT
Jef Li. says:
and i couldn't even get off my ass and submit it anywhere
Jef Li. says:
adn that's the thing about whatever it is i'm dealing wiht
Jef Li. says:
I DON'T CARE
Julius Scissors says:
someone coulda made 40 movies that all sucked
Jef Li. says:
i don't care about school
Julius Scissors says:
all u need is one
Jef Li. says:
i don't care about my movies
Jef Li. says:
my writing
Jef Li. says:
ANYTHING
Jef Li. says:
but I want to
Julius Scissors says:
u think u dont.
Jef Li. says:
i reall really want to
Jef Li. says:
honestly, suzy
Julius Scissors says:
i dig
Jef Li. says:
i can't convince you.
Julius Scissors says:
dont worry
Julius Scissors says:
we're on the same path
Jef Li. says:
but this convo we're having
Jef Li. says:
i've had millions of times
Jef Li. says:
and i need to stop it
Jef Li. says:
i need to try soemthing else
Julius Scissors says:
but how many times have i started this with u
Julius Scissors says:
jeff
Jef Li. says:
cuz everything else hasn't worked, no matter how much i think it has
Julius Scissors says:
i cant even clean my room up
Jef Li. says:
haha
Jef Li. says:
my room
Jef Li. says:
don't start me on my room
Julius Scissors says:
my shit is still in the same spot
Jef Li. says:
naw man
Julius Scissors says:
fromwhen i was with paul
Julius Scissors says:
i actually remember him giving me tips
Jef Li. says:
lol
Julius Scissors says:
on how to fucking clean
Jef Li. says:
we both think the other person is full of shit
Julius Scissors says:
my room
Julius Scissors says:
meow.
Julius Scissors says:
we gotta stop being selfish
Julius Scissors says:
like seriously
Julius Scissors says:
look....step back
Julius Scissors says:
a sec
Julius Scissors says:
stopo thinking about urself
Jef Li. says:
HAHA
Julius Scissors says:
see.
Jef Li. says:
dude...that's it though
Julius Scissors says:
i realized that with felisa
Julius Scissors says:
i was all like
Jef Li. says:
it's about time i thought about myself
Julius Scissors says:
oooh, this guy jeff's just gonna disappoint me
Julius Scissors says:
guys suck, blah blah
Julius Scissors says:
i'm be all sad
Julius Scissors says:
and shes like
Julius Scissors says:
'why u even thinking that far?'
Julius Scissors says:
and i'm like shit.
Julius Scissors says:
u know what
Julius Scissors says:
thats tru
Julius Scissors says:
apply that to ur situation jeff
Jef Li. says:
i've always thought far....that's my problem
Julius Scissors says:
me
Julius Scissors says:
fucking
Julius Scissors says:
too.
Jef Li. says:
it's only now that i'm looking at my situation
Jef Li. says:
and i'm realizing
Julius Scissors says:
i mean, i couldnt even just enjoy one nite
Jef Li. says:
and this is what it comes down to
Julius Scissors says:
makin out with a guy i like
Jef Li. says:
maybe this doesn't mean meds, suzy
Jef Li. says:
but this is what it is
Julius Scissors says:
without ruining it by my thoughts
Jef Li. says:
IT's BEEN FOUR YEARS
Jef Li. says:
WHATEVER I'VE BEEN DOING DOESN'T WORK
Julius Scissors says:
i've been like this since i was 11
Jef Li. says:
I HAVE TO CHANGE SOMETHING
Julius Scissors says:
i told my parents
Julius Scissors says:
at 11
Julius Scissors says:
i was gonna kill myself.
Jef Li. says:
same here, dude
Jef Li. says:
but shit's rough now
Julius Scissors says:
think about that man.
Jef Li. says:
we're adults now
Julius Scissors says:
11.
Julius Scissors says:
and ur worrying about 4 years
Jef Li. says:
we can't compete here
Jef Li. says:
aw man, fuck you
Julius Scissors says:
ha
Jef Li. says:
I used to lie on the road when I was 12 and pray a car hit me don't give me that shit
Jef Li. says:
lol
Jef Li. says:
i say four years cuz it's the four years when shit's actually fucked...when situation's get fucked
Julius Scissors says:
ah. tormented souls
Julius Scissors says:
are great
Jef Li. says:
it's fine being a depressed teenager
Julius Scissors says:
chicken fukking soup
Jef Li. says:
but now i got resposibilities...a life an shit
Jef Li. says:
a girlfriend
Jef Li. says:
a career
Jef Li. says:
a school rcord full of eff's
Julius Scissors says:
people always have responsibilities
Jef Li. says:
i can't sti around bloggin and writing poetry all day
Jef Li. says:
gah
Jef Li. says:
FUCK YOU
Julius Scissors says:
why not
Jef Li. says:
I HATE YOU
Julius Scissors says:
*MUAH*
Jef Li. says:
(i'm saying that endearingly)
Jef Li. says:
suzanne, you're great
Jef Li. says:
but stop
Jef Li. says:
lol
Jef Li. says:
gawd
Jef Li. says:
i wanna stab or hug you, i'm not sure
Jef Li. says:
YO
Jef Li. says:
stay on?
Julius Scissors says:
i feel the same
Julius Scissors says:
aw lawd
Jef Li. says:
i have to go smoke with these mofos
Julius Scissors says:
i wake up in 4 hours
Julius Scissors says:
tell them i say word
Jef Li. says:
aw shit
Jef Li. says:
okok
Julius Scissors says:
homeboys
Julius Scissors says:
if they give a shit
Julius Scissors says:
remember that last line
Julius Scissors says:
if they give a shit
Julius Scissors says:
word
Julius Scissors says:
k jeff
Julius Scissors says:
i love u
Julius Scissors says:
no meds
Julius Scissors says:
fukker.
Jef Li. says:
MAYBE
Julius Scissors says:
then u'll have to share
Jef Li. says:
haha, ok
Jef Li. says:
you out?
Julius Scissors says:
trust me
Julius Scissors says:
i would stay till 4
Julius Scissors says:
but i took robaxacet
Julius Scissors says:
and shit
Jef Li. says:
haha, cool
Julius Scissors says:
i'mseeing double
Julius Scissors says:
but hmmm
Julius Scissors says:
i think this is archival quality jeff
Julius Scissors says:
u cant quit now
Julius Scissors says:
cuz when we're 40 i'm busting this out
Julius Scissors says:
for a laff
Julius Scissors says:
over lattes
Jef Li. says:
i might blog this
Jef Li. says:
lol
Julius Scissors says:
whatever
Julius Scissors says:
do what u must
Jef Li. says:
cool wit you?
Jef Li. says:
saves me some typing
Julius Scissors says:
whatever chico
Jef Li. says:
ja, thanks suzy
Julius Scissors says:
thanks j
Jef Li. says:
*daps*
Julius Scissors says:
wurd
Julius Scissors says:
nite.
Jef Li. says:

Posted by Scene -- at 2:22:00 a.m. | Permalink

Let's Talk About Dicks

So, apprently Wayne's penis is reminiscent of an A-bomb's mushroom cloud. This is good information to have, apparently, so thank you Martin.

House-of-Pain made a surprise guest appearance, and the audience hated it. Though there was laughter of sorts, it's not the type that results in repeat viewership.

I smoke of course, to lessen the tension, but it was goos that there were two new aquaintances to chat with. Some white dude and a brown girl, both of whose names escape me at the moment. Maybe one will date Kamal, and maybe the other will date Christina. But...I'm not betting on either.

I got caught sleeping at Bagel's house the other day, so I've been busying myself with the task of hiding from my parents. I'm not sure how successful I've been. Not very much, I'm guessing.

Great. Christianne just farted on me. Vanderful.

Kev has invited me to go clubbing on Thursday. Perhaps this is the return of the infamous "Clubbing Catpang". *dance priscilla, dance*.

Tomorrow is the funeral. I shall be the best pallbearer in the history of one-time pallbearars. I'm sorry if this is not making sense, or if there are typos all over the place.

I think I might be tipsier than I think I am.

peace.

Posted by Scene -- at 3:01:00 a.m. | Permalink

Eulogies

A good friend whom I haven't spoken to in a long while called me up the other day. We hadn't spoken in so long that it was hard to say for sure if we were even on what they call "speaking terms". His uncle passed away.

It's par the course of our friendship to call each other up and smoke endless amounts of cigarettes whenever shit ain't right in our minds. The death of Vuyec (sp?) Frank is a catalyst, I guess. A narrative symbol for changing times ahead for the both of us.

I guess this is the point in that suburan story where the two best friends grow up and deal with real life. Jobs, girls, etc etc.

Life has been weird lately for me. I've recently made a commitment to myself to go back to counselling, and stay there. For the first time in my life I'm realizing that, though far from being suicidal, my condition is most definitely destructive. To my school, my relationships, and myself. Though in my head I've "beat" whatever it was I was fighting with, my life shows no evidence of restructuring itself. I still live my life as a depressive, and I can't go on anymore thinking everything is ok just because I no longer break down and cry.

The funeral is this Saturday, and the pallbearers will consist of myself and a group of friends whom I thought I'd never see together as cohesive unit again. If this were a movie, it would certainly be a cheesy piece of shit. And I'm looking forward to it. Looking forward to a funeral? Isn't that horrible?

Vuyec Frank suffered severely from Alzheimer's. He often didn't know where he was or what was going on around him. He sometimes forgot to ate, often forgot that he had just shitted himself. He looked at me, a young filipino kid, and often thought I was one of his many polish nephews. He fought in the war and fled after Russia joined forces with Germany. He met a woman who one day stole his heart and all his money as well, leaving him broke and broken.

Alzheimer's is a funny disease. I wonder if his life was any better after he finally was able to forget the hardships of the past. He smiled frequently and was cheerful. He made funny comments about what was going on on the television.

Marcus mentioned once a group of people he saw at a bar who were making toasts to a friend who had passed away. They raised their pints in memorial, acting the parts of bards telling the story of a life worth retelling.

I wouldn't mind getting together with Diego, Ben, Mike and Blaise in a bar somewhere, and tell both true and made-up stories about Frank. Tell the most whacked out shit we can think of, and laugh at our own nonsensical imaginations. Funny, because for the period we knew Frank, his life was no different. A narrative uncertain, always twisting, only parts of it real.

For that we can't give a proper eulogy, but man, we can laugh. Maybe to a guy who couldn't remember anything about his life, having a bunch of kids trying to remember things for him would be a nice gesture. And I think he'd laugh at us. Which beats crying to me.

Posted by Scene -- at 12:08:00 a.m. | Permalink

welcome back

Well, let's make this short and sweet, because as The Phantom Menace so deftly illustrated for us, exposition sucks.

so yea, I'm not dead, lol.
Uh....school sucks, I am currently still procrastinating as we speak.
Suzanne, where the fuck are you?
Chris and I fought some, and then made up some.
Uh....I'm going back to therapy.

And that, is the gist.

so to speak.

man, I'm rusty at blogging.

peace.

Posted by Scene -- at 4:10:00 a.m. | Permalink