the archives
Been going through a lot of old shit lately. Reading my blog archives, which frankly, are ghey as hell. But also going through all my old word documents, stories, essays, saved MSN conversations. Crazy shit I totally forgot existed, stuff I totally forgot I've written or said. I've said so many things, came to so many conclusions in the past....really good shit that I've forgotten. That if somebody told it to me now, I'd be like "Hey! That's deep! Thanks for the advice!" It's weird how it's like that. As a people, our collective memory is horribly short-term. I think it's why we never learn from the mistakes/lessons of the history books. The reason why we forget the horrors of war is the same reason why I can't remember shit I've said on MSN conversations two years ago.
One thing is for sure, I'm not the same person I used to be. And yet...I'm exactly the same. It's just been weird.
I miss something in life, but I'm not sure what it is. Does that make sense?
I've been doing things lately, thinking things, things and thoughts that I haven't had since like grade 9. All of a sudden I'm self-conscious. All of a sudden I have this big desire to be somebody else. Someone I'm not. I've been doing that whole Self-Image-Actualization that Sifu used to talk about. I'm making plans for who I want to be, and then taking steps toward that goal, rather than just working on actualizing my *true* self. That shit's gotta stop. That shitty mentality has been really messing with me lately, my self-esteem, and the way I'm interacting with the people around me. I often hear myself talking, and suddenly realize I'm talking in a voice not my own. It's a strange feeling to find yourself foreign.
Kelli said her favorite swear word was "cunt". I said mine is just general blasphemy, "Jesus-this", or "Jesus-fucking-that". She said "well, you have to believe in God to be blasphemous, though, don't you?" I said, "I used to be really religious". She said "Do you believe in God? You believe in the Buddha now, don't you?"
It was strange thing to hear, because now I'm wondering where she got that from. Who's been talking about my religious/philosophical views? Not that I'm pissed off about it, I just never thought it would a topic worth discussing in my absence. It's a weird question, cuz I don't really know the answer myself. I guess I'm a Zen Taoist. If that makes any sense. But labels suck, and so does the phrase "you believe in the Buddha", lol.
Went to a Buddhist seminar at York with Maggy. The thing I hate about most Buddhism is this flowery mystical crap. The pamphlet they gave us has pictures of pristine clouds and flowing waterfalls. I've never seen a waterfall in my life. What is that shit? Eden? To me, Buddhism is about reality. And while waterfalls and clouds are fine, reality is much more than that. It's flowers and fluffly clouds, but it's also the shit in your toilet, that mildew in your closet, that wax in your ear. That hungry dirty bum on the corner. That puddle. That really ugly girl with bad breath who sits beside you on the bus. Put that shit on the pamplet. Life is life, folks. Heaven is here right now, all around us. If we would just stop making binary distinctions between everything good and bad, and stop looking towards the future and some far far away land, we would realize it.
Not that I'm some enlightened being. I understand this shit intellectually, but that's it. And that's not even a small part of what needs to be done. I'm pretty fucked up. And intellectual understanding of anything doesn't help much. Even if people *get* shit, it doesn't necessarily mean anything. Nothing really changes with that. I've seen that all around me, and I see it in myself.
I love you all, and I'm lonely.
peace,
2th.
Been going through a lot of old shit lately. Reading my blog archives, which frankly, are ghey as hell. But also going through all my old word documents, stories, essays, saved MSN conversations. Crazy shit I totally forgot existed, stuff I totally forgot I've written or said. I've said so many things, came to so many conclusions in the past....really good shit that I've forgotten. That if somebody told it to me now, I'd be like "Hey! That's deep! Thanks for the advice!" It's weird how it's like that. As a people, our collective memory is horribly short-term. I think it's why we never learn from the mistakes/lessons of the history books. The reason why we forget the horrors of war is the same reason why I can't remember shit I've said on MSN conversations two years ago.
One thing is for sure, I'm not the same person I used to be. And yet...I'm exactly the same. It's just been weird.
I miss something in life, but I'm not sure what it is. Does that make sense?
I've been doing things lately, thinking things, things and thoughts that I haven't had since like grade 9. All of a sudden I'm self-conscious. All of a sudden I have this big desire to be somebody else. Someone I'm not. I've been doing that whole Self-Image-Actualization that Sifu used to talk about. I'm making plans for who I want to be, and then taking steps toward that goal, rather than just working on actualizing my *true* self. That shit's gotta stop. That shitty mentality has been really messing with me lately, my self-esteem, and the way I'm interacting with the people around me. I often hear myself talking, and suddenly realize I'm talking in a voice not my own. It's a strange feeling to find yourself foreign.
Kelli said her favorite swear word was "cunt". I said mine is just general blasphemy, "Jesus-this", or "Jesus-fucking-that". She said "well, you have to believe in God to be blasphemous, though, don't you?" I said, "I used to be really religious". She said "Do you believe in God? You believe in the Buddha now, don't you?"
It was strange thing to hear, because now I'm wondering where she got that from. Who's been talking about my religious/philosophical views? Not that I'm pissed off about it, I just never thought it would a topic worth discussing in my absence. It's a weird question, cuz I don't really know the answer myself. I guess I'm a Zen Taoist. If that makes any sense. But labels suck, and so does the phrase "you believe in the Buddha", lol.
Went to a Buddhist seminar at York with Maggy. The thing I hate about most Buddhism is this flowery mystical crap. The pamphlet they gave us has pictures of pristine clouds and flowing waterfalls. I've never seen a waterfall in my life. What is that shit? Eden? To me, Buddhism is about reality. And while waterfalls and clouds are fine, reality is much more than that. It's flowers and fluffly clouds, but it's also the shit in your toilet, that mildew in your closet, that wax in your ear. That hungry dirty bum on the corner. That puddle. That really ugly girl with bad breath who sits beside you on the bus. Put that shit on the pamplet. Life is life, folks. Heaven is here right now, all around us. If we would just stop making binary distinctions between everything good and bad, and stop looking towards the future and some far far away land, we would realize it.
Not that I'm some enlightened being. I understand this shit intellectually, but that's it. And that's not even a small part of what needs to be done. I'm pretty fucked up. And intellectual understanding of anything doesn't help much. Even if people *get* shit, it doesn't necessarily mean anything. Nothing really changes with that. I've seen that all around me, and I see it in myself.
I love you all, and I'm lonely.
peace,
2th.
Haven't blogged much recently, and I'm not sure what that means. Even now, I'm just doing it for the sake of doing it. Old habits, hanging on to a relationship, so on and so on. I really have no use for it anymore.
But yea. New Years was surprisingly fun. I had previously thought that since my friends were heading up to Guelph to party with people I had no interest in partying with (besides...I *was* working the next day, lol) and my girlfriend was in Cali, that I was going to spend another lacklustre New Years alone with my sleeping parents. Another year of me by the TV, groggily switching between CityTV's New Year's Bash and the Sci-Fi's channel's Twilight Zone Marathon.
Tony invited me and Krystle to his friend's house party... so I might have gone to that. But Mike also had nothing to do, and Chris S. from gradeschool was coming down to visit, so we decided to chill at Blaise's place downtown. Unfortunately, Blaise got sick, so we opted to go to Ben's friend's house party instead. That didn't work out either. Long story short, we ended up at some random party that was somehow related to Eric from frickin Goetz. Weirdness. Or at least, I thought it would be weirdness. But we had a lot of fun. Free booze helps. Everyone was friendly though, real nice. Just a small basement full of nice friendly people. Got drunk, had a blast, did some Capoeira with a random drunk guy, good times good times. Chris S. puked on the carpet though, lol. Shout outs to the Capoeira dude, Mark a.ka. Royce Gracie (lol, you really did look like him, dude), Syra the chick who out drank us all, Eric, Carol the birfday girl, that political ranting dude, and everyone else who I can't remember, lol.
Finished Hardcore Zen the other day...I loved it except for the ending. I disagreed with some of the stuff he said at the end. I might send him an e-mail though, just to spark up some conversation, maybe ask for some info on his retreats in Japan. I'd love to have this guy as "my teacher". On to Fast Food Nation. I'm scared, because I love me some fast food, yamean?
