five deadly everythings...

Toothpick Rising

Whatup peoples, my criticism blog is back in full swing, and hopefully here to stay. It's much cooler writing on film and culture now that I know how to link up pictures. The link is in my side bar.

I'm gonna be doin a lot of writing over the break. Two short story contests, two publications that will be receiving poetry, an article to the Excal (the one currently in my other blog), one to the Toronto Star, and trying to get gigs at Inside Mississauga writing about film, and at Popmatters.com writing about comic books/graphic fiction.

Yowzas. It's a New Jack City. I've never felt so prolific in my life. Usually I only have one idea in my head. I now have like 15.

Where is everyone? nobody is on-line.

My sister is back in town, and she has a british accent. It was hilarious at first, but now it's just getting tedious. I'm so used to her "normal" voice, that it's like talking to someone doing an impression of the Queen for like five hours, and just refuses to stop and admit that it's not funny. I'm exaggerating. It's not that annoying.

She vegetarian now. More because of the Mad Cow shit in London rather than the Eastern philosophy stuff. Though I'm sure that has something to do with that. Me and my siblings...Chinese medicine, tai chi, martial arts, meditation, vegetarianism. It's kinda weird that we all found our way down this path separately. It's not like we were all interested in this as children, holding Taoist club meetings and performing Buddhist theatre. It just happened. Maybe cuz we were all depressed. And yes, I think I made up Buddhist theatre.

Why am I so fascinated by Masia One? And Ravenloft? Of course, because they are so much like myself, and yet, I find them horribly entertaining. I don't think I could ever hang out with someone who was so like myself. Except for Mike and Suzanne, of course. But they're also different. It's hard to explain. I think if you put Mike and Suzanne in a blender, you'd get me. But wait. I don't really believe that, do I? I often say things I don't really believe in order to front like I actually come to conclusions about things in life.

Chris and I were both sick today. Excess of sleep, lack of food, caffeine addictions neglected. Man, my head still kinda hurts. It reminds me of an old Christopher Pike novel, where the girl was turning into a werewolf, or something, and she had this incredible jones for beef. Meat. And if she didn't have it, her head would pound like crazy. And then, as the transformation went on, she would want rarer and rarer meat. To the point where she was eating it raw, uncooked. Eventually, of course, she began just eating people. Christopher Pike. Is he still writing? I liked him a lot more than that R.L. Stine guy. Booo Stine. His writing was so vanilla. So safe. Pike had sex. Violence. The Final Friends trilogy blew me away. That was my shit. Anybody remember Whisper of Death? Now that was some creepy shit. Oh man. I'm getting very nostalgic here. *tear*. The stories that the disturbed girl wrote, before she made the town disappear....that was some creepy creepy shit. Funny, because the stories she wrote (within the novel) made me want to be a writer. I wrote a lot of shit like that when I was depressed.

Hey Suzy? Are you at work right now reading this? LOL. Get back to work. Statshole.

Aight.

I'm out.

peace,
2th.

Posted by Scene -- at 2:55:00 a.m. | Permalink

What's up cool cats? It's 1:28 in the p.m, and I'd just like to send this out to all my fans out there:

..................... /´¯/)
...................../¯../
.................../..../
............./´¯/'...'/´¯¯`•¸
........../'/.../..../......./¨¯\
........('(...´...´......../'...'.)
.........\.................'...../
..........\................ _.•´
............\..............(
..............\.............\....

Just one finger away from a fist.

Posted by Scene -- at 1:18:00 p.m. | Permalink

Adventures in Tundra-Land

Aight, not exactly tundra, but it *is* snowing outside. The first snowfall of the season. I finished reading "Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass" a couple hours ago. Not as trippy as I thought, but a lot smarter than I remember.

Effa everyone who pops in their little jokes about Film Studies. "Why you so stressed? You just watch movies, don't you?", "I'd love to do that, sit around and watch movies all day", "An essay on Hitchcock? I'd looove to do that!" Well then go ahead, you muhfucka. Write my gotdamn essay. Go click on my other blog and see if you can knock off something as great as my In The Mood For Love essay. Go ahead. Herbs. "So like what, you just write movie reviews?" Yes. And I just serve coffee for a living...such a chiiilll job.

I'm bitter. Sorry. It's fukkin 5:30 am or some shit. How can I not be bitter?

OKPer Loni, whom I just met today, is also depressed. Cyber-depression support group. The internet is amazingly weird. My friends just ended some weird cyber-war fought with mass suicide bombs (or, e-mails, if you will), and here I am turning to an on-line community of strangers to deal with my shit. And I'm relaying this to you, some non-entity, over a blog.

Wow. That was boring. After a good eight hours of sleep (which is probably eight hours away), that previous paragraph is gonna look pretty damn stupid to me.

Man. I gotta finish this shit, hand it in, maybe get a few hours of sleep, go to Jimmy's shin-dig and try and network myself a writing gig, and then come back home and pull another all-essay-writing-nighter.

My back hurts. My shoulder is crying. My eye-sockets are doing yoga. The hairs on my forearms are dancing a waltz, although my fingernails adamantly declare that there is no music playing. And my brain, apparently, is nowhere to be found, though its ovular indentation is still fresh upon the couch upholstery, and there is fresh popcorn strewn about the floor of my skull.

?

Good night.

-J.

Posted by Scene -- at 5:14:00 a.m. | Permalink

I Got 99 Promblems...

but a Chris ain't one (cue guitars!). Haha, it's true though. Life sucks, but the g/f is great. Thanks for the talk man, you were right about a lot of shit. Shit's obvious, but sometimes the truth is the hardest thing to face.

It's time to solve my problems. Cuz they're not that hard to solve, really. Come on, Jeff.

What's up with our society and it's love for automobiles? I mean, fine, I've given up my radical anti-car stance (i.e. I'm going to driving school this summer), but still. It doesn't mean I'm gonna spend half my life discussing the new Civic. Or whatever. Cars are cars to me. It's like discussing the ottoman chair. But yea. The Sunday Star has not only *one*, but *two* ENTIRE SECTIONS devoted to cars. Holy shit. Pollution machines. I wish I were rich so I could get a nice hybrid vehicle. Now *that* would be a sweet ride. What's up with Alex? This girl (much like me) hasn't had a licence for years, and now she finally gets it (she's had it for alike a week), she's riding my ass like I'm pathetic. Like, shit. WTF?

LOL, I'm too tired to make my point eloquently. But still. Ease up.

Finally did laundry today. I'm getting too complacent with the low hygiene. Wearing dirty clothes, sometimes go without showering, letting the hair/beard grow out for no other reasons than just laziness. Fuck, I shout cut my gotdamn nails too. I'm going to work in a few, which means they're gonna get rammed full of espresso grinds. Clean yourself up, you disgrace.

yea.

I'm out.

peace,
J.

Posted by Scene -- at 2:16:00 p.m. | Permalink

I'm Fat

I really am. I need to start working out. I need my amazing lithe and agile martial arts doppleganger back. But wait, if it's a doppleganger, it's not really me. There I go dropping big words that don't really make contextual sense again. "Contextual"? Shut up, Jeff.

Haha. So yea. I'm failing. I'm really lazy. I spend waaay too much time obsessing over the fact that I'm not doing anything, when I could actually be using that time to...well...do stuff. I wish I were Mike Mancini. Or something like that. I wish I were more of a busy body, and at the same time, less of worry-wort. Worry Wort. Ugly ugly word pairing. I have no idea what it means. See, that's the key. Keeping busy, and not worrying about the fact that your busy/not-busy-enough. Cuz right now my scales ain't balanced. Both sides are swinging low, which you'd think were physically (as in, physics) impossible.

............

Gar, a couple of phone calls later, let's continue the blogging. Mike called, like a few seconds after I typed his name. Weird. But yea, we made a date to watch Honey together. That makes three of us (including Chris) who are geeked about this shite movie. Suzanne wants to go too, but she's an Alba hater. I'm thinkin I want a No-Alba-Hater rule. Mmmm...Alba.

I gotta realize that this essay won't have a huge affect on my future. Stop stressing. Just work on it though. You ain't even workin on it, you mofo. That's just creating a bottle-neck, everything is backlogging. One essay now, but soon it'll be 3 essays you working on. Fugg.

Oh man, watched JOB: The HipHop Saga yesterday w/Chris. Dap to REMG Promotions for the free passes. Show was dope to death. Awesome. I can't even describe it, but yea, one of the better (fugg, *best*) theatre experiences I've had. And shit, it's one of the better hip-hop related things I've gone to. Nice mix in the crowd, too. I was worried it might be corny with the hip-hop shit, like, just two theatre dudes doing the regular artsy thing to rhymes, with no real understanding or respect for hhop. But naw, you could tell the two leads were real heads, no frontin either. Just bein themselves. I like that. I like everything about the play. The lyrics referenced everything from Thomas Malthus, Larry and Balki from Perfect Strangers, Nietszche, Beyonce, and Black Sheep.

The new Pound magazine is tight, which is cool, cuz I got it for free. Yay free stuff. Wired sucks tho. Well, it's aight.

I'm in a very different phase right now. Not depression, but like...weirdness. Can't really describe it. Not really sure I wanna.

I'm sleepin a lot. *shrugs*.

peace,
J.

Posted by Scene -- at 3:39:00 p.m. | Permalink

Ghost

*poof!*

And like that...

he's gone...

Posted by Scene -- at 12:24:00 a.m. | Permalink

Back...to The Future

So what will I be doing with my gotdamn life? I know, I know, this topic is played-way-the-fuck-out...I do this like every three months. But yea... *scratches head*

Talking to MacArthur was good today. I like talking to people I respect and admire who took/are taking as long with school as I am. He's 24, and this *might* be his last year if he decides to go to summer school. I'll prolly be 24 as well when I finally graduate. But that's another thing I discussed with him. Should I graduate with the BA or the BA Honours? Everyone says the Honours, but he's the first to answer with just "BA". And it made sense, coming from him. Cuz honestly...do I care about the Honours part? I mean, I do, as a title. But knowing what I want to do with my life...I know it doesn't really matter. And the sooner I get out of school, the better. Or...for better or for worse, I gotta get out of school soon.

Still working at these essays, slow shit. We also talked about what horrible students we are...so that helped too. I've always looked up to MacArthur, so it was good to hear that he's having the same problems with school that I am. Of course, MacArthur's rich or some shit, isn't he? Maybe he doesn't have to worry about his future cash flow.

Me? I useta talk all that shit about I don't care if I live in a shack, as long as I'm doing something I love. And now, I think I've grown outta that buhshit. Sure, I still wanna pursue what I love...but I want that cash. How to get that cash?

My friends and I always talk about how much collective talent and skill we have, and if only we could get off our lazy duffs, we could pool together something amazing. Well, we've talked the talk for about 5 or so years, and nothing, nada. So that's it, Toothpick's going solo.

This next summer is the summer of the hustle. I know I said that about last summer, but really, I had no idea what I was doing. Now I think I do.

Also summer plans: Learn to Drive (I'm serious!) Take summer school (I'm serious!) get back into martial arts (I'm serious!)

That should give bayjee comfort, knowing that I am too busy to cheat on her (lol! Hai!) Yea, she'll be gone for 4 months, so I gotta keep myself busy in order to stay sane. It'll be cool if when she comes back, though, I'm published and I can drive.

Oh man, I was watching part of Don't be a Menace... yesterday, and one of the characters was named "Toothpick". LOL, jokes. I wonder if anyone thinks that's the connection? Oh well.

Chris (not my g/f, the dude from my class) showed me the Hagakure yesterday, cool shit. Ima pick up a copy the first chance I get. I like that class, I like the pepl.

Thanx to Kieth for the Black Album. If I get a chance, Ima post up my thoughts about it in my "other" blog. For the record, though, I like it.

Anyways, yea. This essay is calling. And for once, I'm all ears.

peace,
2th.

Posted by Scene -- at 3:20:00 p.m. | Permalink

My Definition of a Bombastic Jeff/Toothpick

Aight, check out my enegram test:

Basic Fear: Of loss and separation
Basic Desire: To have inner stability "peace of mind"
Enneagram Nine with an Eight-Wing: "The Referee"
Enneagram Nine with a One-Wing: "The Dreamer"

Healthy: Deeply receptive, accepting, unselfconscious, emotionally stable and serene. Trusting of self and others, at ease with self and life, innocent and simple. Patient, unpretentious, good-natured, genuinely nice people. / Optimistic, reassuring, supportive: have a healing and calming influence — harmonizing groups, bringing people together: a good mediator, synthesizer, and communicator. At Their

Best: Become self-possessed, feeling autonomous and fulfilled: have great equanimity and contentment because they are present to themselves. Paradoxically, at one with self, and thus able to form more profound relationships. Intensely alive, fully connected to self and others.

Average: Fear conflicts, so become self-effacing and accommodating, idealizing others and "going along" with their wishes, saying "yes" to things they do not really want to do. Fall into conventional roles and expectations. Use philosophies and stock sayings to deflect others./ Active, but disengaged, unreflective, and inattentive. Do not want to be affected, so become unresponsive and complacent, walking away from problems, and "sweeping them under the rug." Thinking becomes hazy and ruminative, mostly comforting fantasies, as they begin to "tune out" reality, becoming oblivious. Emotionally indolent, unwillingness to exert self or to focus on problems: indifference. / Begin to minimize problems, to appease others and to have "peace at any price." Stubborn, fatalistic, and resigned, as if nothing could be done to change anything. Into wishful thinking, and magical solutions. Others frustrated and angry by their procrastination and unresponsiveness.

Unhealthy: Can be highly repressed, undeveloped, and ineffectual. Feel incapable of facing problems: become obstinate, dissociating self from all conflicts. Neglectful and dangerous to others. / Wanting to block out of awareness anything that could affect, them, they dissociate so much that they eventually cannot function: numb, depersonalized. / They finally become severely disoriented and catatonic, abandoning themselves, turning into shattered shells. Multiple personalities possible. Generally corresponds to the Schizoid and Dependent personality disorders.

Key Motivations: Want to create harmony in their environment, to avoid conflicts and tension, to preserve things as they are, to resist whatever would upset or disturb them.

check out this part on my addictions:

Type 9 The Peacemaker
Over-eating or under-eating due to lack of self-awareness and repressed anger. Lack of physical activity. Depressants and psychotropics, alcohol, marijuana, narcotics to deaden loneliness and anxiety.


Crazy eh? But I don't think the test is fully accurate. It's skewed by what's been going on in my life recently. I think #9 is my type when I'm depressed or repressed. That's Jeff. I had to search around, and this is what else I found. That was Jeff, but *this* is Toothpick (if that makes any sense..but hey, they said I would be prone to schizophrenia!):


Basic Fear: That they have no identity or personal significance
Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance (to create an identity)
Enneagram Four with a Three-Wing: "The Aristocrat"
Enneagram Four with a Five-Wing: "The Bohemian"

Healthy: Self-aware, introspective, on the "search for self," aware of feelings and inner impulses. Sensitive and intuitive both to self and others: gentle, tactful, compassionate. / Highly personal, individualistic, "true to self." Self-revealing, emotionally honest, humane. Ironic view of self and life: can be serious and funny, vulnerable and emotionally strong. At Their Best: Profoundly creative, expressing the personal and the universal, possibly in a work of art. Inspired, self-renewing and regenerating: able to transform all their experiences into something valuable: self-creative.

Average: Take an artistic, romantic orientation to life, creating a beautiful, aesthetic environment to cultivate and prolong personal feelings. Heighten reality through fantasy, passionate feelings, and the imagination. / To stay in touch with feelings, they interiorize everything, taking everything personally, but become self-absorbed and introverted, moody and hypersensitive, shy and self-conscious, unable to be spontaneous or to "get out of themselves." Stay withdrawn to protect their self-image and to buy time to sort out feelings. / Gradually think that they are different from others, and feel that they are exempt from living as everyone else does. They become melancholy dreamers, disdainful, decadent, and sensual, living in a fantasy world. Self-pity and envy of others leads to self-indulgence, and to becoming increasingly impractical, unproductive, effete, and precious.

Unhealthy: When dreams fail, become self-inhibiting and angry at self, depressed and alienated from self and others, blocked and emotionally paralyzed. Ashamed of self, fatigued and unable to function. / Tormented by delusional self-contempt, self-reproaches, self-hatred, and morbid thoughts: everything is a source of torment. Blaming others, they drive away anyone who tries to help them. / Despairing, feel hopeless and become self-destructive, possibly abusing alcohol or drugs to escape. In the extreme: emotional breakdown or suicide is likely. Generally corresponds to the Avoidant, Depressive, and Narcissistic personality disorders.

Key Motivations: Want to express themselves and their individuality, to create and surround themselves with beauty, to maintain certain moods and feelings, to withdraw to protect their self-image, to take care of emotional needs before attending to anything else, to attract a "rescuer".

WOW. Here's the part on self-development. Doesn't it sound like this advice was written specifically for me?

Avoid putting off things until you are "in the right mood." Commit yourself to productive, meaningful work that will contribute to your good and that of others, no matter how small the contribution may be. Working consistently in the real world will create a context in which you can discover yourself and your talents. (Actually, you are happiest when you are working—that is, activating your potentials and realizing yourself. You will not "find yourself" in a vacuum or while waiting for inspiration to strike, so connect—and stay connected—with the real world.

Self-esteem and self-confidence will develop only from having positive experiences, whether or not you believe that you are ready to have them. Therefore, put yourself in the way of good. You may never feel that you are ready to take on a challenge of some sort, that you always need more time. (Fours typically never feel that they are sufficiently "together," but they must nevertheless have the courage to stop putting off their lives.) Even if you start small, commit yourself to doing something that will bring out the best in you.

A wholesome self-discipline takes many forms, from sleeping regular hours to working regularly to exercising regularly, and has a cumulative, strengthening effect. Since it comes from yourself, a healthy self-discipline is not contrary to your freedom or individuality. On the other hand, sensuality, excessive sexual experiences, alcohol, drugs, sleep, or fantasizing have a debilitating effect on you, as you already know. Therefore, practice healthy self-discipline and stay with it.

Avoid lengthy conversations in your imagination, particularly if they are negative, resentful, or even excessively romantic. These conversations are essentially unreal and at best only rehearsals for action—although, as you know, you almost never say or do what you imagine you will. Instead of spending time imagining your life and relationships, begin to live them.


Another way to look at the dichotomy (and you know they're both me, I bet you can't choose one over the other) other than Jeff/Toothpick is my taoist side, and my creative side. I've always had trouble with that, because they clash so hard. In Taoism, you aren't supposed to be creative and clever. So there's that side. But then there's that other side of me that wants nothing more than to be creative and cleverthrough writing and expression. Man. Schizophrenic indeed. See the downsides though? I'm heading towards the downsides for both. That is not good.

But yea.

That's it for now kiddies.

peace,
-J.

Posted by Scene -- at 10:57:00 a.m. | Permalink

Procrastination (senryu)

procrastination
cuts time with an idle knife;
wounds bleed red ink F's.

peace,
-tp


Haha. It's funny. My Blogger ad/links at the top of the page read "Relate Searches: 'Stop Procrastination Now'". Blogger knows. It's creepy.

-J.

Posted by Scene -- at 3:51:00 a.m. | Permalink

Cosntructive Criticism

Here's okayplayer Barefoot Aquarian on one of my poems....very good feedback, thanks man!

______________________________________________
BarefootAquarian
Charter Member
3937 posts Nov-13-03, 03:45 PM (EST)

10. "a few comments....IMHO"
In response to message #1

>STOP
>THE
>SCREAMING!!!!
>
>oh shit, the caps are locked now
***I'd simplify this. Sometimes less is more. "Caps locked, my thoughts have crystalized into...." The cursing takes away from the effect of the metahor. Also, don't use determiners unless absolutely neccessary ("the"). "Now" may or may not be imperative to the overall meaning, but I think you make your point without it.

>and my thoughts have crystallized into
>thin sharp rocks,
>suitable for skimming across the shallow pool
>of your opinions of me.

I fucking LOVED this part. "Of me" removes any space that is open for interpretation, sort of de-personalizes..."Opinions" is a stronger word to end on.
>
>This is how Moses parted the Red Sea,

**did you mean to rhyme "me" with "sea"? If so, definitely keep it.

>repeated tossing, rock after rock,
>thought after thought until mind
>became reality, and sea-way became both
>gravel path and graveyard.

Hella fly metaphors here too. Woofers whalloping, tweeters twitching....eardrums bleeding....you rockin' now....
>
>Sometimes it's like that,
>thoughts are death or doors,
>doors are death
>and vice-versa
>(and man, vice and versa
>have never seemed so visceral
>before...)

***maybe omit "and"? Maybe.
>
>The sages teach of no-death and no-birth
>non-this and non-non,
>the etc of etc...

Ever heard of the japanese art of the no-drama? That's what this made me think of. Definitely don't abreviate "etc". Spell that joint out.
>
>But man,

**second use of "man"...a little redundant...

>Circles With No Circumference are
>hard to wrap my head around.

****Fuck yeah...tell'em!
>
>My Yin met my Yang today, and they have since become
>close friends, confidants...
>talking together they discover the complete
>picture of me, sides I've hid from both,
>and now I just feel like disappearing.

I loved this part, too. The only suggestion I have for complicated illustrations like this is placement...that is, be aware of exactly how many words you're putting on each line so certain thoughts and assertions are emphasized. Kind of like:

>My Yin met my Yang today.

They have since become
close friends, confidants...
talking together,
they discover
the complete picture of me,
sides I've hid from both,
and now
I feel like disappearing.

Excellent stanza, though.

>
>I don't think either likes what they see
>of me now, or at the very least,

"or at the very least" is a little clumsy. It takes away from the next line instead of emphasizing it.

>neither one needs me anymore.

**that's powerful by itself...isolate it!

They find
>in each other what I could never offer them separately.

*****Again, very powerful....
>
>When worlds collide like this they cause death
>and create ecosystems,


***MMM...damn...ecosystems...damn....

>This is the Universe in its totality,
>whether sharpened stone
>or split sea....

Excellent reprise!!!
>
>Each is walked over by those
>who transcend travel and
>embark upon journey.

**I was a little bit confused by this, but the imagery was nice.
>
>THE SCREAMING!!!!....
>
>the screaming stops easily

*****good use of punctuation here...!
>
>once I realize that
>I am merely thirsty.
>
>I reach for my canteen
>and continue walking...


Nice, nice drop. Remember, I calls em like I sees em, and I don't spend time on a peace that ain't worth it to me. Loved the imagery, loved the metaphors, loved the flow....my only head scratch revolved around structure--but that's just from what I've studied. This rocked.
__________________________________________________


This something I've been trying to work on. Reading a lot of Bukowski and Beau Sia...and I been wondering, what makes their conversational style still really good poetry? Of course...the art of line breaks. Much harder than it looks. They know exactly where to place a certain word and where to break a certain line, where to separate stanzas...in order to create meaning. Fukkin awesome.

Anyways, thanks man. I'll work on it.

peace,
2th.

Posted by Scene -- at 5:33:00 p.m. | Permalink

Fight Nights and Friendships

So, watching PRIDE Fighting with Mike, Pris, Chris, and Paul (gah, sounds like the first names of some ghey band that would have played the first Woodstock) was good fun. That was the greatest fight card ever. *EVER*. I was on my feet. Mike was spinning on his head. Paul was shooting pistols off into the air. Good times for all. Even Chris got her outline done.

Yoshida is the *man*. He took it to Silva, hard. I was so proud of him. People thought Vanderlai was gonna walk right through him, but Yoshida dominated the first round, and got some good shots in during round two. This guy is such a throwback. A Martial Arts traditionalist. He's a Samurai Throwback. Not that I would know anything about that. But ya, a seriously tough dude, respectful, tenacious...an inspiration. He beat so many people that night, the critics, the haters... I'm lookin forward to seein him fight again. He just needs to learn to keep his eyes open when being punched.

But man, what was up with that Sakuraba vs. Randalman fight? I doubt it was fix...but man, that was shady. I'm pretty sure Randalman just wanted to go easy on dude, knowing that his head is made of glass now. And he paid for it...by losing. Even in teh face of defeat, he couldn't bring himself to wail on Sakuraba. Sakuraba, the once great warrior. He used to be so amazing to watch. Now it's just scary. I don't think I ever want to see him fight again, unless it's against someone like Kaol Uno (lol).

But anyways...onto real life.

Felisa, you cool, and yes, I will call you if I ever need to talk about anything...

Marcus...respect. I'm still mad at what you did, but glad you came clean with it. And again, I'm sorry for talking shit about you and your family. It wasn't right of me. I feel really shit about it. And ya, I never made the attempt to see shit from your pov, thanx for opening i's.

Jimmy...I'm glad we finally talked about M.A....even if it only lasted for a couple of minutes. The fact that we acknowledged that our past exists shows a maturation on our part.

If anything comes out of this whole drama...it seems to be forcing people to face what's true in their life, in themselves...and even though it's tearing some people apart, it's bringing other people closer together. I mean really, me and Felisa? When would that happen? Marcus and Paul growing closer? The unspoken MA tension between me and Jeeps alleviated? Either way, I'm glad it did.

Suzy...get on-line, you bitch! Where you at? LOL, respond to my e-mail already.

Chris...you're cute when you sleep. haha. You look like Faith.

Mike...man. The greatest fight night ever. Gyeah! I'm geeked. I feel like grappling, freal. I'm surprised Chuck didn't do better. He's got some devastating kicks...and he threw like maybe two, total. I guess him and Quinton just had this understanding going, this mutual acknowledgment that the best puncher wins. Oh well.

But yea, Felisa and Jeehov analyzed me today and I think they hit the nail on the head pretty well. Kinda surprising. I never thought I wore my personality on my sleeve so readily...but there you have it.

Paul's house it niiiice. He's a full blown cop now, I keep forgetting. Making some serious paper. well, I dunno. More than me, at least. Enough for his own pad and to go at life dolo. Respect to Paul.

Japanese class sucked today. Boring movie. But pepl in class were cool. Anton cracks me up, as always. Not sure of other dude's name, but we got to talk martial arts, finally. Where's Claire? And what's that blonde dude's name? Anyways, we have the same kicks now. Actually smoke with Ted, the instructor. I really think we're all gonna end up smokin a bowl together, lol. That would be jokes, high with a YorkU prof.

Kay, I'm out. Once I finish this gotdamn essay, I'm rewarding myself with a copy of and good listening to The Black Album. Hov!

peace,
-J.

Posted by Scene -- at 2:07:00 a.m. | Permalink

!!!DESTROY ALL MONSTERS!!!

Beigy vs. Belladonna

Haha, so yea, it's the day of partner meeting, and so me, Tony, and Kamal are working. Shifts start to rotate, and some of the baristas from other stores start coming onto the floor to take over for us. One of them is some filipino chick, who we'll call Belladonna, who seems nice enough, is cute enough, and friendly enough. So yea, we talk and whatever.

And then Beigy comes in, and she's talking to Tony, but I need Tony to come check my till in the back. So I go "Hey Tony, stop flirting with my girlfriend, and get over here". And apparently, after I said "girlfriend", Belladonna proceeded to give my g/f the "evil eye". Or something. And then later, when Beigy went to order a drink, she did the same for an etended period of time, being rude and totally ignoring her.

And so the whole time I don't know this is happening, so I'm talking and laughing with her, while Tony and Biegy sit on the sidelines, while Tony says "hey look at your boyfriend, he's flirting with the new chick". So everytime she looks, haha, yes, it looks like I am! Or soemthing that looks like it. we're laughing and talking and blah blah...but like... I had no idea what was going on behind the scenes.

Pepls were ragging on her uniform and shit too. What to do? I dunno, I liked her (not like that! sheesh, whattabayjee). She cool wit me. She apologized later...

But ya, that's the funny story. Onto the scary stuff...

Suzy vs. The Belardis

So damn, now this thing has gotten out of control. The e-mails are flooding, and I'm not sure what to say or how to defend anymore, cuz I'm not quite sure what the argument is anymore. I guess shit has been bubbling beneath the surface for awhile, it's just crazy that the lid has acutally blown off. Nobody knew the soup was this nasty and milky. [Wow, this extended metaphor is quite horrible]. Marcus says to Suzy that he hopes he can keep my friendship. Suzy says to me that she never made me choose, I chose foy myself. I say to myself "damn, who says I've chosen anything?" Again, people talking for me. I'm mad at Marcus, yea, but I don't think i'm cutting him off. He was outrightly mean in his e-mail, and I disagree with and hate that. But still, it ain't about him. It's about Paul. That's who I've got feelings of disappointment towards. Cuz I know if I was in Marcus' position....heck, I prolly woulda done the same. My brother is getting run through the mud, and I'm hearing that people are talking bad about *me* and my family, when my family and our business have nothing really to do with the issue. Hell yes, I woulda done the same. But Paul? So many ways I woulda done that differently, and man...they're all easy.

But yea....we'll see how this all turns out. Props to Priscilla and Chris though, sticking up for dude when they really didn't have to. I love you guys.

Suzanne, where you at? Call me. Hope you're doing alright.

Felisa vs. York U

Ok, so, I don't know if I explained. But Felisa is in fourth year Sociology at York, and she's a pretty damn decent student. Smart girl. Hard working. Honest.

So...she goes and hands in this paper, and written on the paper is something to effect of: your writing is horrible, are you an immigrant or a foreigner or something? ????????????? Isn't it funny that such a loaded statement came from a greaking sociology professor?!?!?!?

Anyways, so she goes to see the old cavewoman in her office (cro-magnum, I think), and not only does she try to pin the racial onus on Felisa (i.e. "What's wrong with being an immigrant? Why are you so offended??), but she tells her that she will never get a job in the future ("I'm just saying your writing is horrible. So when you don't get a job in the future, just remember that I told you that").

Argh. There's more to that story...a lot more. I just don't have the time to recap it all. But anyway, she's talking to the Chair of the department, I've already talked to the VP of FSAY, the Filipino Student Association of York (shout outs to Em!), and I've got contacts at the Excal, just waiting for the Bat-signal. Go Felisa.

Jee vs. Cliche

Oooh, this image is so appropriate. Get it? The title is cliche!!! And the monster is phallic!!! LOL. But yea, so dude came out finally, and I'm glad he did, and I'm honored that he trusted me with the info, and that he was so comfortable doing so (even though he might have not been on the inside). He seems a lot more mature now that he's out, now that he's dealing in public. And a big "EFFA" to that other guy for fucking with dude's feelings. That's not cool. And Jee, yea, you're cliche. LOL. But it's aight.

It's weird...maybe one day this kid *will* be a writer. I dunno. I keep forgetting that he's young. And he writes *a lot*. Maybe it's just an image thing, I dunno. But he writes in that notebook at the prolific pace that I wish I wrote in mine. Mine is pretty much empty. Sure, I have a blog now...but what about thost busrides? Those breaks at Starbucks? Those boring lectures?

Wow, I think Jee just inspired me. It's weird where inspirations comes from. It's not always from "heroes". Anyways. Props to Jee.

Jeff vs. Toothpick

So yea...I had another breakdown. Prolly a result of everything that's been going on, plus school, factoring in being in a serious relationship, equalling the fact that I don't have the time to deal with my own depression. It exploded the other day. I'm sorry Chris. I'm sorry Suzanne. I'm sorry Jeff. I wish I was stronger. I wish I knew to use "were" instead of "was". I wish I would just go backwards to correct my grammar, instead of commenting on it and losing track of what I'm writing about.

I'm sad, peoples, I'm sorry. And yet, I'm very happy. I'm surrounded by good people (despite what the e-mails show). Too bad I'm smoking again.

I guess it helps the poetry though...I mean, I had writer's block for so long.

I'm sorry if I can't be there for everybody. I'm sorry if I'm not that funny sometimes. I'm sorry if I flirt with other girls, it's really means nothing...I just have really low self-esteem right now and it helps to know I'm able to make other people smile. That's all I want. If I can't do it...I want others to. Suzy... I miss your laugh. Marcus...I've never heard you like that, and it hurts to hear it. It sucks that I had to. Jimmy, I feel your pain. Chris, I love you. Madly.

Jeff, you swing back and forth. Sometimes you are waaay too cool, chill, robotic. And then all of a sudden, you get waay too melodramatic and say stupid things like "I feel your pain". WTF is that?

Start your essay. Sheesh.

peace,
-J.

Posted by Scene -- at 12:35:00 p.m. | Permalink

let's see...

I am going to attempt to put a pic in my blog. It prolly won't work. Why am I even trying?

[ahem...]



Wow....This is a New Era is blogging, people. Wow.

Haha, I rule!

peace,
-J.

Posted by Scene -- at 1:37:00 p.m. | Permalink

Q: What's Better Than Being Cool?

Heeeeyyyyyy Yaaaaa! Hey-eh Yaaaaaaa!. Yea, so Mark told me he's feelin the new Outkast. That might not sound like a big deal...but this is a guy that listens to *noise*. I don't mean bad music...I really mean noise. Like, speaker feedback, Japanese women yelling, the sound of a foot kicking a cow...you know. Noise.

Anyways...man, what a crazy couple a days. I'd like to blog it all down, but again, it's something I'll never fogot and thus don't really need to encapsulate it like that. Also...I'm trynna ease on the spot-blowin. Freal. But anyways, Suzanne man, I'm proud of you. If that was a political debate, you'd be the President by now. You kilt it.

But, something I will mention: Felisa's racist teacher? I know I know, I throw around the word racist alot, even if the term totally doesn't apply. But hey, maybe this racist-ass Sociology teacher can teach me the proper meaning of the term. LOL. Naw, she'd probably just say "Are you an immigrant? Cuz if you are, it's ok. Just keep using the term incorrectly. You'll never got a job anyway". Fuuuuck, y'all know I've been waiting to blow at someone like this. That T-shirt guy (see blogs below) was just a warmup. Too bad she's a little old lady and all. Too bad I don't give a shit either.

Everything seems to be upsetting Chris. Too much aggravation, she's going back to her angry self. Swearing a lot and hitting people (she hits harder than Jess man...Jess I can take...chris gives me bruises, LOL).

All this trying-my-best-to-comfort-other-people means I've been forgetting my own mental problems. Which is a good thing, I guess. Though I've started smoking again.

Oh, I actually had a *full* vegetarian day today! Not one piece of meat down my gullet. I'm quite proud. Ususally I cheat a bit. But today: nada.

But yea, this blog-twin of my mine who's dating my ex-girlfriend? Well ya, you know how it goes...it's hard not being nosy. So I'm reading his blog...and man, he really *is* like me...just a little more immature. (He still likes wrestling, blech). But shit, he watches UFC too. And he admits that he like Michelle Branch and listens to that Lumidee song. Creepy. If he mentions Moxy Fruvous, I'm outta here, lol.

Felisa dropped by the store today, that was cool. Chris' mom is gone tomorrow....I'm really gonna miss her cooking, man. But on the brightside, I can start sleeping over with Chris again ;)

I got a blank e-mail from Blaise in response to my "Catching Up" tirade. Well, not blank....it said "Jeff:" .....my name followed by a colon. Does this mean something? I don't get it...is he givin me props? Is he shakin he head at me? Dammit, I can't tell. And Blaise is prolly one of a select few who's opinion of me I actually give a damn about.

Anyways. This blog is massive. I would never read it. Disgusting. Props ta Sandra, though, on her MuchMusic debut. I honestly think they'll give her a permanent gig.

Jo's got a new boyfriend. Aint' that awesome? Good for her.

Kev, get at me dog! Mike....PRIDE. Oh yea, Mike called today. Called him back but he was gone. I wonder if it was a "normal" call, or if it was because of the inundation of cryptic, incendiary mass e-mails. ("I'll take 'Joanne Words' for 1000 ,Chris).

Waitasecond...didn't I say I was done with this? ARgh.

Ok, I'm out.

peace,
-J.

A: ICE COLD!!!

Posted by Scene -- at 3:04:00 a.m. | Permalink

Sound Travels

STOP
THE
SCREAMING!!!!

oh shit, the caps are locked now
and my thoughts have crystallized into
thin sharp rocks,
suitable for skimming across the shallow pool
of your opinions of me.

This is how Moses parted the Red Sea,
repeated tossing, rock after rock,
thought after thought until mind
became reality, and sea-way became both
gravel path and graveyard.

Sometimes it's like that,
thoughts are death or doors,
doors are death
and vice-versa
(and man, vice and versa
have never seemed so visceral
before...)

The sages teach of no-death and no-birth
non-this and non-non,
the etc of etc...

But man,
Circles With No Circumference are
hard to wrap my head around.

My Yin met my Yang today, and they have since become
close friends, confidants...
talking together they discover the complete
picture of me, sides I've hid from both,
and now I just feel like disappearing.

I don't think either likes what they see
of me now, or at the very least,
neither one needs me anymore. They find
in each other what I could never offer them separately.

When worlds collide like this they cause death
and create ecosystems,

This is the Universe in its totality,
whether sharpened stone
or split sea....

Each is walked over by those
who transcend travel and
embark upon journey.

THE SCREAMING!!!!....

the screaming stops easily

once I realize that
I am merely thirsty.

I reach for my canteen
and continue walking...

peace,
-Tp

Posted by Scene -- at 3:27:00 a.m. | Permalink

Can't Blog long....

So ya, I'm at Chris' house typing an essay that I should have typed looooong ago. I gotta second chance. Maybe it's karma. I dunno. Maybe working ot be a better person in life does have its benefits. Of course it does. It's its own benefit. Right?

Anyhoo...what's up with my creepy alter-ego? And why is my ex-girlfriend dating him? Bizarro, man. Good for them though, I guess. I remember him, now. He went to our school.

Had a good talk with Chris, mapping out our futures. Not our futures together, but just our futures. What we are going to do with our lives. And not on some whistful-dreamy "one day....sigh..." type shit. I'm talking like...what we're gonna do in the next year or so. I'm planning on making some moves, man. I'm serious. This next two years is mine. I know I'v esaid that before, but this time I've got plans. A whole Blueprint man, action plans and execution.

Beau Sia is my new hero. Effa Mos Def. Bruce, you still up there...but you dead, so you don't really count. N.othing E.ver R.eally D.ies. What? I just typed that to see how it would look.

Kev, I'ma get at you in a week or so...I wanna talk some movies. I think we can do the phone-call film.

Got a poem in the works...just a few lines that I really like an I'll try and build around them.

I think the Bubble Tea girl was flirting with me. Maybe, yes? Maybe? Ha, I'm a loser. Somebody, please flirt with me. It's good for my ego. Hasn't happened in a while. Except for Christianne's adopted cousin at Starbucks, ewww. But ya, of course she was flirting with me. I'm hot shit. She has good taste. lol.

Aight, back 2 work. I'm out.

Matrix Revolutions tomorrow. "Gyessss..." - Movie Ticket.Com loser.

peace,
-J.

Posted by Scene -- at 5:56:00 p.m. | Permalink

My Version of a Love Letter

When y'sit down and think about it, it's pretty amazing that a guy like me found an amazingly hot and smart girlfriend like I did. I mean, I'm like 5''5 tall, I have girly hands, my favorite tv shows are cartoons, I have an alter ego that writes poetry and raps really poorly (oh god, I cyber-rap...), I call myself Toothpick, I'm depressed and I cry sometimes, I'm 22 and I can't drive and I live with my parents, I blog on the regular, I've worked at a Starbucks for like 5 years, and I haven't moved up the management chain, I got big ass gums, I spend whole nights playing 'gay-best-friend' to another female, I'm this close to being a drop-out and a hair closer to being a failure, I read comics, I buy issues of Maxim just so I can run home and look at pictures of Jessica Alba, I shoplift, I sneak into movies and giggle like a girl when I succeed, I smoke like a bitch, I have like, *no* hairstyle, no fashion sense, my nails are often dirty (damn espresso grinds), I look at other girls walking down the street, I'm a bum (you can feel the indentation of my slothen body on my couch), I'm in Film Studies and thus have no discernable future, I rant about politics from a leftist-slant, I give money to charity boxes at fast-food chains thinking I am making a difference, I sleep a lot or not at all, I burn insence and meditate, I can never spell words invovling the letters "c", "s", and "e"...y'know...like inscence...I have bad posture, did I mention I don't drive (?), my basement is dirty, I'm a chronic procrastinator, I have no sense of time, I forget it's our anniversary, I smoke up with other girls one-on-one, and I only have like 2/3 pairs of pants that I rotate back and forth, regarless of whether they've been laundered or not.

Hi chris! Haha. You sucka.

*huggle*

peace,
-J.

Posted by Scene -- at 12:03:00 p.m. | Permalink